Yes, I’m reading Eat, Pray, Love.
“Antevasin- In ancient times this was a literal description. It indicated a person who had left the bustling center of worldly life to go live at the edge of the forest where the spiritual masters dwelled. The antevasin was not one of the villagers anymore—not a householder with a conventional life. But neither was he yet a transcendent—not one of those sages who live deep in the unexplored woods, fully realized. The antevasin was an in-betweener. He was a border-dweller. He lived in sight of both worlds, but he looked toward the unknown. And he was a scholar.”
“I’ve spent so much time these last years wondering what I’m supposed to be. A wife? A mother? A lover? A celibate? An Italian? A glutton? A traveler? An artist? A Yogi? But I’m not any of these things, at least not completely. And I’m not Crazy Aunt Liz, either. I’m just a slippery antevasin—betwixt and between—a student on the ever-shifting border near the wonderful, scary forest of the new.”
The book I started and interrupted and am now continuing- right after finishing the entire Earthsea series.
And before that- the Heroine’s Journey and Aria. In the meanwhile, as I watch Avatar- the last Airbender, I write.
Reading back my journals of 2014 was interesting.
For one, my own tendency as I read to turn an entire year into broad trends. But I guess that’s part of what you do at the end? Create chapters?
With broad trends as well as the little details.
I’ve looked back enough- relevant here is that in November, after my back went again and I decided the book ought to have yet another major change, I decided to give up my strict writing schedule and goal of making X amount of money at date X.
It was an incredibly hard, strict schedule (not the writing hours, which I think are good, as much as everything else. The deadlines, the website, the promotion.)
For one, I have too much to learn writing wise to be able to produce so quickly, like my role models in this format. I still need to take my time, I feel, to experiment and change and not worry about money or newsletter sign ups yet.
I like to believe I could have gone that path- and produced as I had planned, or close to it. But it wasn’t for me. Not yet, perhaps.
Mainly, it didn’t make me happy. It didn’t make me enjoy writing. Not that I mind sitting down and working through periods when the holy Muzes honour me with their presence. It was more that I didn’t enjoy almost any part of it, didn’t feel in tune with what I loved about writing. It was becoming about managing deadlines and such.
Perhaps that would have changed with more pursuit and more success, but seeing how far I still had to come and how thin I was spreading myself, I think I needed to address that tendency instead.
So, next to writing the last few months have become a soul searching in others ways. Recognition that all this is part of the journey, recognition of how hard it is and that I simply want to enjoy these steps as well.
I don’t mind sacrifice, but I’m not good enough at enjoying what I have. I’m not good enough at Being-
All I have is Doing, it seems sometimes.
I always see despair at the question: Then What?
You achieve your goal, Then What?
Well, Now This.
I don’t really know what 2015 will bring- I have things I will pursue, such as a job in Amsterdam. So work, time among my friends, peers and more. As well as time to write, which is just such a part of me and I feel growth. When I actually let go and take a step back, I feel growth.
But I need to let go sometimes too.
2015 for me is about stepping onto that other Journey, the Feminine one. The one about Being, that’s hard in that it’s a continual path even more than an epic battle.
I’m looking forward to it.